Little Lost Soul

A question for anyone reading:


What is your definition of a 'mixed blessing'?

Our family has recently been given a mixed blessing.
We found out a few weeks ago that one of my younger brothers is expecting a baby with his fiance. It's his third try; his first was aborted behind his back (he is no longer with that woman), and his second, with his current fiance, was miscarried last year. Now she is pregnant again. The whole family has been cautiously excited, hopeful for the new baby, which will be Sean's first child if it is carried to term, but we have all been afraid to hope too hard. Nobody wants to temp fate, so to speak, or to be as disappointed as the last two times if something happens. And of course, that's to say nothing of how devastated, once again, Sean would be.
This morning, we were informed of the mixed blessing, and how ironic- in a sad way- that it happened on Father's Day.
As it turned out, Sean's fiance was carrying twins. Now she is only carrying one.
We don't know the gender of the surviving baby, because the pregnancy is only four months along, and that seems to be a long time left to be too hopeful as of yet.
And here's where the mixed blessing comes in. And mixed feelings on my part.
I know from experience the emotional turmoil that comes with losing a baby, especially if the coming baby was badly wanted and already loved, and my heart aches for the mother.
Speaking for myself, I am upset and very disappointed for my brother and his fiance for their loss. I'm also very disappointed for my family, who all- including me-wanted this pregnancy to work out well.
But then, thankfully, there's the surviving baby to think about. Despite the loss, I'm grateful that one has survived so far and that, according to doctors, the baby seems to be as healthy as any in the fourth month, with no forseeable problems.
Again, I'm afraid to be too hopeful, but it's looking good, and I'm awaiting this baby with as much, maybe more, anticipation than before, because of the loss of the twin.
The problem is, I almost feel guilty for still having some hope, even though one was lost. My feelings are bouncing back and forth between happy, sad, empathetic, hopeful and guilty.
Not to start sounding all new age, but I'm worried that any negative feelings, like sadness, guilt or any other possible ones will affect the so-far surviving twin.
And part of the reason for my own sense of guilt is the fact that I'm almost glad. Not that one of the babies was lost, but because I keep thinking that, if it was going to happen anyway, pre-determined by a higher power that another baby wouldn't be born, at least it was twins so one of them would be left.
Does that make me a bad person, I wonder? Because I am one of those people that believe a soul is born the minute a baby is concieved. Each one of them was a niece or nephew, my brother's son or daughter.
If both twins had been born, what if, the Lord forbid, something happened to one of them when they were older? Obviously the loss would feel much greater, but would I still feel the same? Would I be thankful that something had happened to only one?
I don't think so, because they wouldn't be unknown souls by that point. I have other nieces and nephews and the thought of something happening to any one of them is unbearable. What are right now quiet souls in a womb would have been children that had grown in the family and had personalities of their own, people that I spent time with; that makes any loss much greater, though it doesn't diminish my feelings now for the lost unborn twin.
In the long run, it's all up to God, or whatever higher power is believed in by any individual. It's just up to us to work through the feelings and emotions on our own.
And I have just been hit with a disturbing idea.
I have been making a blanket for the baby, before we knew there were two. I had started it cautiously, a little worried about the validity of some superstitions. One of those is 'acknowledging an unborn baby too soon is bad luck'. In fact, my brother hadn't even wanted any of us to know yet, because of that superstition, but you know how things get around in a close family, even from states away.
My worry is this:
Which baby was the blanket being made for?
The lost baby, or the survivor?




RIP little niece or nephew.
You never entered our world,
but you'll never leave our hearts.

I'm not satisfied with the way my sister's blanket (see a previous post) is turning out, so I'm going to pull all the stitches (and months of work!) and start all over. In the mean time, I've just found out that my second youngest brother Sean, 23 years old, is expecting his first baby, so I've decided to start a blanket for my future niece or nephew. I'm cautiously optimistic, because this is his third possible baby; the first two didn't make it to birth. I've decided to ignore the terrible 'old wive's tale' that acknowledging a baby before birth is bad luck. I'm hoping that positive thoughts and prayers will bring the new one among us well and whole.

Since the gender of the baby is unknown, I'm using neutral colors- yellow and green, with white edging. I'm using what many call the 'linked stitch, or 'basket weave stitch. The official name is Tunisian stitch. Each square is ten high and ten across, the squares of alternating color. I think, when the blanket is further along, the squares will alternate from small to large. Unless I change my mind before then, of course, lol.

At the risk of sounding like a Negative Nelly, I have to admit that I've recently developed a new pet peeve.
I didn't know it was coming, and at first it was ignorable, but when I began to realize this small thing was beginning to bother me more and more, I couldn't deny it. And then it became a THING to me, thought it's probably not the kind of thing that bothers other people.
First off, I have to ask; does the following passage look familiar?


As a Christian I want to take a stand in what I believe in. At the risk of a bit of inconvenience, I'm forwarding this to all I think would appreciate it. Please help us prevent such offenses against our Lord. It will take you less than 2 minutes to pass it on. If you are not interested, or donot have the 2 Minutes it will take to do this , please don't complain when God doesn't have time for you, because He is far busier than weare.. Remember, Jesus said 'Deny Me on earth and I'll deny you before my Father'.



Or how about this one?




If you cannot take the time to press the forward button and send this to all your
contacts for the brave soldiers that are fighting for your rights as an American, then you have no patriotism and do not deserve to live in this country that you were born in. Don't be a bad American.


Anyone that gets frequent emails will be familiar with those passages and any others that may be similar.
Am I the only one that is bothered by those?
Don't get me wrong; I love getting emails from my friends, and many of them are inspiring or memorable, or just flat out enjoyable, and well worth sending on or saving. Even the ones with those ridiculous passages underneath them, which are, as a rule, either of a religious nature or of a political/pro-war nature, or something along those lines. And I fully understand that by the time those emails get to my friends and are sent on to me, those insulting passages had already been part of the email for a good long while. It wasn't put there by my friends, but probably by the original maker of the email page, whatever it may be. And I don't want any of my friends reading this to be discouraged from sending me emails containing those words- or similar ones- in the future, because I usually do enjoy the content before getting to the end message, and I look and each and every one of them.
But those little quotes at the end by the original sender more than bother me. It kind of make me mad!
After all, it's really nothing more than someone with a small mind trying to push his/her beliefs on others, via nationwide technology.
I have my own religious and political beliefs, and I have an open mind for the beliefs of others. What others believe is not up to me, doesn't hurt me in any way, and affects me not at all. My main motto for anything from lifestyle choices to religion to politcal beliefs, and anything that falls in between, is "More power to them." I have mine and they have theirs.
So why is it, according to those that write those passages on their email, I am a bad Christian or against God somehow, simply because I don't forward emails that are meant to be fun. Because I'm not. I am a Christian in my heart and I love God very much.
I am not a very political person, but I do have a sense of patriotism that fall within my own beliefs. So why am I a bad American, or a 'traitor to my own country', simply because I don't send the email to others?
I simply have the discretion to send to people the things I know they relate to. Why send a religious email that I may believe in to an atheist friend I've known for 22 years, knowing it would only offend her? My enjoyment of the message would not be her enjoyment. My opinion doesn't change hers.
I'm very sympathetic to our soldiers and what they're doing, but I have an anti-war, ant-violence friend that would disown me if I knowingly sent him something against his personal views as if I were trying to change his mind. My tears for our soldiers would not be his tears.
So what is the point of the makers of those emails to try to browbeat people into their own beliefs by offending the readers' senses of religion, politics or whatever else. Everyone doesn't have to believe the same way, and that doesn't make anyone a bad person.
Putting such passages at the end of otherwise enjoyable, inspiring, educational or knowledgable emails resonates of harassment, fanatacism, and small-mindedness. It's very easy to believe that those that wrote that part of the emails are intolerable of anything but what they believe, and what kind of life is that?
And to be honest, such messages often have an effect opposite of what the original sender intended, at least for me and some of my friends that I know it bothers, too. Because when I read a message from someone I've never met insulting things that might be a personal part of me, simply because they are either a fanatic about their beliefs and want to push it on others, or they just try to use such strong words as a game to see how far their email will go...... well, whatever reason these people have to try browbeating strangers into sending their controversial emails along, it's often just that message at the end that keeps me from doing it. Does that make me rebellious? I don't care.